City Bus Driver

You can be as posh as you like, strut around in designer clothes with your fluffy dog by your side, but the moment you start swinging a bag of dog shit like it’s the latest fashion accessory, you've officially crossed into another level of madness. The Poshest Poo Bag You'll Ever See Alright, listen up, because I’ve just had one of those moments that makes you question everything. You know the kind, where you’re just minding your own business, driving your bus, doing your job, and then something so bloody ridiculous happens you have to remind yourself that you’re not in a sitcom. So, it's a beautiful Saturday afternoon, right? The sun’s out, birds are chirping, and the whole world is pretending that everything’s perfect. And what do I get to see through the window of my bus, as I drive down the road like the seasoned professional I am? This woman. This woman who looks like she’s just stepped out of a Cosmopolitan magazine. Full-on, head-to-toe elegance. The kind of woman wh...

Fare hikes arrive, Trump announces tariffs, and somewhere in the chaos, a man boards with last year’s change. I break the news with a smirk and a made-up tax. Confusion? Always, comedy? Guaranteed. When Small Change Meets Big Policy Some updates come with posters and emails. Others arrive via a baffled punter clutching three coins and a question mark. There’s something deliciously poetic about fare increases and global politics colliding at the exact moment someone’s rummaging through a lint-filled pocket for exact change. It always starts the same way: a familiar face boards the bus, throws in a few quid, exactly the same as they did in 2022, and expects time to freeze. Then they stand there. Expectantly. Waiting for a beep. A receipt. A miracle. Anything. “Sorry,” I’ll say with a gentle driverly shrug, “there’s been a slight fare adjustment.” Cue the blank look. The "Oh no, not again" furrowed brow. Sometimes the squint, as if the hopper might spit the coins back with an ap...

On an ordinary bus ride, a strange observation sparks an unexpected mystery. One passenger's fingers, inexplicably smelling of roast beef, leave everyone questioning reality.  The Roast Beef Conundrum The rain was falling in that half-hearted, miserly way that suggests it couldn’t care less about its task. The streets were slick, the passengers bored, and the bus trundled along with the sort of rhythm that mirrors the tired minds inside. It was one of those afternoons where time drips, like the raindrops running down the windows, slow, steady, almost imperceptible. Nothing to disturb the usual hum. Until the voice broke through. Your fingers,” it said, clear and deliberate, “smell like roast beef. The words hung in the air like the first odd drop of a rainstorm, causing ripples across the bus. For a moment, there was silence, a collective pause, as if the universe itself had been thrown off course by the mere suggestion. I glanced up in the mirror. The scene in front of me was one ...

Collared and Cuffed: As I signed on at the desk, braced for a raised eyebrow or two, the desk staff looked me up and down with the precision of a fashion critic.  Inappropriate for the time of year came the verdict, delivered with the tone of someone announcing a public scandal. I could almost hear the imaginary gavel hitting the desk. I explained my predicament honestly, as is my way: my meagre stash of uniform shirts had all met their fate in the washing machine, leaving me no choice but to don the summer polo, a cheerful but seasonally misplaced choice in the depths of winter. My candour didn’t save me. No, it seemed to spur them into action. Suddenly, the room transformed. It was as if I'd stumbled into a gentleman’s outfitter during a clearance sale. Staff buzzed around like personal stylists on commission. Shirts, ties, and jackets were summoned from hidden cupboards and mysterious storerooms, each presented to me with the reverence usually reserved for a bespoke tailor fitti...

The art of letting drivers out, bus driver edition, as a bus driver, I like to think of myself as a courteous knight of the road... ... but sometimes, I feel like the gatekeeper of a medieval drawbridge. Everyone wants out, and it's up to me to decide who gets to cross. The trickiest part? Those puppy eyes. You know the ones, when a driver glances over, all hopeful, with an expression that says, "Please, oh noble bus driver, grant me this one favour. I’ll love you forever." It gets me every time. When puppy dog eyes meet a bus driver’s resolve, courtesy on the road with a touch of humour and a dash of traffic karma. There I am, trying to stay on schedule, but as soon as I see that "I’m just a small hatchback in a big world" look, my resolve crumbles. Some drivers have mastered this art to Oscar-worthy levels. Add a little nod and an apologetic shrug, and I’m already reaching for the metaphorical drawbridge lever. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t love a good than...

Stranded passengers, a howling storm, and a bus going out of service—bad news all around. But with one perfectly timed announcement, I turned their frustration into laughter. Sometimes, the right punchline is all it takes to save the night. Turning Bad News into Good Laughs It was the final stretch of my Hogmanay shift, and the clock was ticking down—just 30 minutes to go before I could leave the bus behind and dive into the evening’s festivities. But, of course, the radio crackled with the dreaded words: “Due to operational reasons…” My heart sank. No shuttle van for me; instead, I was instructed to offload my passengers and send them on their way. And just to make things a little more interesting, it was a blustery evening, with a yellow weather warning in place. Oh, and the fireworks display had been cancelled. A perfect night for a bus ride, right? Fireworks illuminate the night sky as buses roll through the city, adding to the festive spirit of New Year's Eve celebrations. Whe...

Time bends at the relief point, where schedules are fiction, clocks disagree, and backend systems rewrite reality at will, turning a simple coffee break into an impossible dream lost in a bureaucratic time warp. Coffee Break Calculations The relief point. To most people, it’s just a bus stop. To me, it’s the Bermuda Triangle of time, a place where clocks lose their purpose, schedules become fictional, and a bus driver’s dreams of a coffee break are crushed by the cruel hands of a dozen warring timelines. It all started when I arrived at 13:34, a full seven minutes behind the Scheduled Bus Arrival Time (S-BAT) of 13:27. A rogue cyclist had swerved in front of my bus, and a pedestrian decided to cross the road at a pace that suggested they were moving in slow motion. Despite my best efforts, I parked the bus and prepared for my next challenge: the Shuttle Van Arrival Time (S-VAT). Here’s where things started to unravel. My phone told me it was 13:35, but the Town Clock, mounted high on t...

Ever wondered what happens when a bus driver is randomly drug tested and ends up confessing to a 40-year-old hash on toast mistake? From joking about 'underwear samples' to revealing youthful blunders, this unexpected encounter turned a routine check into a wild ride! From Underwear Samples to Hash on Toast: The Unexpected Turn of a Random Drug Test So there I am, cruising through my shift, delivering my best “Good morning!” to passengers, most of whom are too busy checking their phones to even glance up. Life as a bus driver, right? Then, out of nowhere, the powers-that-be decide it’s time for my random drug test. Apparently, my calm driving style and radiant scalp were a little too perfect that day. They casually mention I might need to provide a urine sample, and without missing a beat, I jokingly offer, “No problem, I’ll leave my underwear behind, and you can test that. Get a whole week’s worth of data from it!” The reaction was priceless – turns out, urine tests are more t...

Spontaneity on the road isn’t just a choice; it’s a leap into the unknown. For one tour bus driver, the thrill of taking detours is more than just a deviation from the route, it’s about creating moments that stay with passengers forever. From surprise ice cream trucks to eerie abandoned theme parks, he’s redefining what it means to go off-script and prove that a little chaos can make the journey unforgettable. Why Taking the Uncharted Route Makes All the Difference in Tour Bus Driving Interviewer: Mr. Tour Bus Driver, how do you know when it's the right time to take an unexpected detour during your tours? Mr. Tour Bus Driver: Oh, it’s simple really. You just know it’s the right moment when the usual route feels too predictable, or when I’ve got a gut feeling that the passengers need something a little extra . It’s like a sudden flash of inspiration, when the ordinary road starts to feel like a snooze fest , and I think, “Right, let’s shake things up!” Sometimes, a detour just pop...

The Quirks of Commuters: A Hilarious Look at the Characters Waiting for the Bus Stop The Juggler Being a bus driver offers a front-row seat to some of the most perplexing human behaviours you could ever imagine. You’d think the simple act of waiting for public transport would inspire, I don’t know, some reflection on life’s bigger questions—like why the timetable is more of a polite suggestion than an actual schedule—but no. Instead, it seems to coax out the strangest quirks from people. Enter The Juggler , today’s reigning champion of turning waiting for the bus into an Olympic event. Spoiler: he didn’t train for it. The Juggler: Master of Everything (Except Sanity) Here we have The Juggler, an everyday bloke who’s somehow convinced himself that pockets are a conspiracy invented by Big Bag. His approach to life? If it fits in your hand, why not hold five things at once? Today, he’s standing there with his phone, a wallet, a half-eaten sandwich, a reusable water bottle (because, of cou...

Multitasking The Bus Chronicles: A Creative Spin on Everyday Adventures with a Multitasking Rookie Dad Introduction: The Daily Journey of a Bus Driver As a bus driver, every day is a new adventure. From unpredictable weather to the diverse mix of passengers, no two journeys are the same. But some days, the ordinary transforms into something extraordinary, like the unforgettable experience of witnessing a multitasking rookie dad onboard. Strap in, because this is one tale where public transport meets parenthood in a spectacular dairy disaster. A Normal Day on the Route… Or So I Thought Picture this: another typical day behind the wheel. My bus, a metallic giant, rumbles along, and I pull up to a familiar stop. The regulars are there—the usual eclectic cast of characters. First in line, a woman with her trio of chihuahuas, their tiny barks already echoing through the morning air. Behind her, a teenager absorbed in his mobile phone, probably lost in a world far from this bus stop. Then, I...

Unveiling Life’s Tapestry Introduction: The Unexpected Drama of Bus Fare Welcome aboard! Today, we’re embarking on a journey that reveals the hidden stories behind the simple act of paying bus fare. As a bus driver, I’ve discovered that this daily ritual is far more than a mere transaction—it’s a fascinating glimpse into the lives, habits, and quirks of the diverse individuals who board my bus each day. Buckle up as we delve into the captivating narratives that are etched into the hands that pay our fare! The Artistic Artisan – A Canvas of Creativity Our journey begins with The Artistic Artisan, whose hands immediately captivate with their vibrant storytelling. As this individual steps onto the bus, the evidence of their creative passion is impossible to miss. Their hands are a colourful canvas, stained with the vivid hues of paints and the subtle textures of clay. The fingertips tell tales of countless hours spent at the easel or working with sculpting materials, each smudge and strea...

The Illusionist: When an Empty Bus Stop Becomes the Stage for a Dark, Magical Twist The Illusionist Ah, the bus stop—usually a dull, lifeless corner of the world, where the only excitement comes from guessing whether that puddle is shallow or secretly a foot deep. But today, dear passengers, something truly twisted unfolds before my very eyes. Enter: The Illusionist. The stop was empty just seconds ago—a void, a black hole of mundanity. Then, in the blink of an eye, out of nowhere, there he stands. You blink once, twice, but no, you're not hallucinating (though I can't speak for the rest of you). He’s there, alright. A man who appears with the precision of a knife slicing through butter, smooth, clean, and oh-so-unsettling. It’s as if reality itself decided to take a breather and let the shadows play their game. One moment, nothing but air—crisp and cold, just like your ex’s heart—and the next? BAM! The Illusionist appears. No sound, no puff of smoke, just a sudden presence tha...

Beam Me Up, Bus Stop: The Trekkie’s Galactic Approach to Public Transit" The Trekkie Picture this: It’s your typical, dreary Wednesday morning, and I’m stationed at my post, the bus driver’s seat—an elevated throne that offers unparalleled views of human quirkiness. My usual crowd of bus stop regulars are here, but today, something extraordinary happens. Enter The Trekkie . Yes, you heard it right. Not just any bus stop dweller, but a full-on, Starfleet-approved Trekkie in his natural habitat. As the bus nears, I spot him standing at the curb, but with a twist. Most folks extend a hand to signal, but not our hero. Oh no. He’s got a PhD in dramatic flair. He raises his hand in a Vulcan salute—spock-tacular, if I may say so myself. It’s a bold statement: “This bus is my ship, and I am its captain.” The salute is delivered with such precision and solemnity, it’s as if he’s performing a ceremonial ritual rather than just hailing public transportation. His attire? Oh, classic. Imagine ...

Stargazer or Space Cadet? Meet ‘The Astronomer’ Who Forgot the Bus Stop’s Not an Observatory! The Astronomer As I, Vincent Roderick, navigated the twilight streets in my metal chariot of chaos—a bus, some call it—I stumbled upon a curious specimen. A creature so consumed by the vast abyss above that he forgot the ground beneath his feet. I call him The Astronomer . There he stood, amongst the mundane mortals, yet clearly not of them. With his face tilted skyward, mouth agape, eyes locked onto some distant cosmic mystery, he was less a man and more a misplaced stargazer. A spacer, you might say. Unbothered by the passing of time or the arrival of his ride, he stared into the void as if he could bend the heavens to his will. I’ve seen all manner of humanity at these stops—zombies glued to their screens, corporate drones lost in thought—but The Astronomer was different. There was something almost endearing about his detachment, as if he was an alien observer sent to study us, only to bec...

You're Having a Giraffe In the bustling metropolis of Urbania, where mundane tasks are laced with the subtle touch of grandeur—at least according to Marcus "Mark" Blake, the city's most illustrious bus driver—an extraordinary event unfolded one sunny afternoon. Mark, ever the charismatic figure behind the wheel, was presented with an unusual request: to pose for a photograph with a giraffe. Now, one might wonder why a giraffe and a bus driver would ever find themselves in the same frame. The answer, as it turns out, lies in the whims of a local advertising campaign seeking to capture the city's spirit. And who better to embody Urbania’s charm than Mark Blake, the very essence of effortless grace and unparalleled intellect? With a flourish that could only be described as trademark Mark, he agreed to the photoshoot, confident that his presence would elevate the entire affair from pedestrian to legendary. As the camera clicked and whirred, Mark, with his usual flair,...

Confused Driver The Daily Life of a Bus Driver: A Comedy on Wheels Life as a bus driver is like staring in your own sitcom, where every passenger is a potential plot twist, and every stop could be the next big laugh. With the city as my stage and the steering wheel as my prop, I navigate the urban jungle, channeling the energy of the bustling streets into my own rhythm of life. My job? A blend of comedy, drama, and sometimes, a touch of tragedy—but always entertaining. The Unexpected Encounter: Is He Running to Catch the Bus or Just Running? As I maneuver my bus through the city's arteries, I hum a tune, lost in thought. Suddenly, I spot a figure in the distance, sprinting with a determination that catches my eye. Is this a man desperately trying to catch my bus? Or is he one of those dedicated joggers who love to showcase their fitness in front of us, the working class, who might be slightly envious of their freedom and energy? It’s the eternal question for any bus driver: stop or...

Extruding Curves Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round and buckle up, because today, my bus isn’t just navigating traffic—it’s waltzing through a veritable carnival of curvaceous chaos. Picture this: the urban jungle, and me, your intrepid bus driver, dodging not just potholes, but a parade of protruding body parts that make my steering wheel feel like a joystick in an obstacle course game. First up on our scenic route is the beer belly brigade. Now, I don’t mean to sound like I’m bellyaching, but when these delightful jiggly giants stand at the kerb, it’s like trying to maneuver around a soft-serve ice cream cone that’s taken a wrong turn into traffic. Gentlemen, your bellies are magnificent, truly. But when you're waiting for the bus, please consider tucking them in like a blanket. I’m not asking for a flat tummy—just a bit of kerbside compression. My bus’s side mirrors are on constant alert, and every inch counts like a prized parking space. Next, we’ve got the big-busted beauties...

The Early Bird Special If you think all the excitement happens later in the day, you clearly haven’t met the early morning bus crowd. Among the regulars, there’s always a colourful character or two, but none as endearing and resourceful as the little old lady who’s turned the morning commute into her personal paper chase. Picture this: the sun is barely up, the streets are just beginning to stir, and the city’s buses are starting their rounds. Amid the bleary-eyed commuters and the occasional jogger, there’s a sharp-eyed senior with a mission. Clad in a cosy cardigan and sensible shoes, she’s a woman with a plan – and that plan involves a stack of free newspapers. Every morning, without fail, she arrives at the bus stop, a gleam in her eye and a reusable bag in hand. As the bus pulls up and the doors swing open, she steps on board with the precision of someone who knows the exact layout of every bus in the city. Her target? The fresh bundle of free newspapers neatly stacked near the dr...

Keir Starmer: The Bus Driver Taking the Ousted Tory Cabinet Home Imagine a cold, dreary evening in London. The city is soaked in a persistent drizzle, the kind that seeps into your bones and turns the streets into a maze of shimmering reflections. Keir Starmer, having traded his role as Prime Minister for that of a bus driver, finds himself in an unexpected position: chauffeuring the recently ousted Tory cabinet members home.  As he navigates the dimly lit streets, the bus lurches with a purposeful slowness, giving Keir ample time to offer each former minister a few carefully chosen words as they disembark at their respective stops. The Ride of Reckoning: Keir Starmer's Final Words to the Tory Cabinet 1. Rishi Sunak - Former Prime Minister As the bus approaches a posh neighborhood, Keir Starmer slows to a stop. Rishi Sunak rises, his once-confident demeanor slightly deflated. Keir smirks slightly as he opens the door. “Ah, Rishi. Remember when you thought running the country was li...